Let’s talk about relationships. Maybe you have a partner already or maybe you're hoping for that romantic relationship. Even if you have a really great romantic relationship, you'll be able to apply some of these techniques and advice to elevate it even more. But this information can apply to any kind of relationship: it can be an intimate one - whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, or anything else that you identify as - but it can also be relationships with friends, parents, coworkers, and family members. 

Humans have two really big fears. First, the fear of not being enough, and that could mean being worthy enough, being sexy enough, being smart enough, being skinny enough, making enough money, looking young enough, whatever that thing is for them.

The second is the fear of not being loved, which is a huge driver because, as humans, we are herd animals. We crave each other. We crave community. We crave touch and attention, to be seen by other people, and to be heard by other people. There's kind of this stigma out there that wanting attention is bad, but it's such a deep human need.

The problem is that most people go into intimate relationships or relationships of any kind wanting something. They go in wanting a result or wanting something from another person. And then, when their needs aren't met, they get disappointed. But if you go into relationships expecting to give instead of get, then you're going to get as well, and that is the shift in mindset.

What do you go into relationships wanting? And can you change it to what can I give this other person? Now, that doesn't mean that you're a slave to their every desire—of course not. But if you go in wanting to share parts of yourself, be vulnerable, express yourself, and show someone else love and affection, you're going to get it back.

The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. And that's a really big thing. And that can be a relationship with another person. It can definitely be a relationship with yourself. Maybe a relationship with the source, the universe, your creator, God, or whatever you call it. But relationships are fundamental, and I would argue that all relationships stem from the relationship that you have with yourself because the way that you feel about yourself and your relationship with yourself dictates the tone for all the relationships in your life.

Now, one of the biggest challenges people come across when they have relationship issues is that they start to do what's called stacking of negatives. They'll start looking at another person and say, "Oh, they always do this thing," or "They're so selfish," or "They always try to judge me," or "They always do this." And those words "always" and "never" are so dangerous. My husband and I are really careful not to say those kinds of things because no one "always" does something or "never" does something. These are all little jabs that you give someone.

As you start to look at someone in a negative light, you start to stack these negatives against them. But think about when you first met that person. They probably swept you off your feet, and you probably noticed only their positive traits. It's about what you focus on in that other person. 

There are only two forms of communication and A Course In Miracles sums this up so beautifully. One of my favorite quotes from the course goes: "Every act is either an expression of love or a call for love.” Now that's a really beautiful way to think about the world and every interaction you have with another person. And I think about this often - if I'm at the grocery store and someone's snippy, or if someone cuts me off in traffic, or if someone lashes out at me, or when your partner's freaking out at you when they're telling you to do the dishes or take out the garbage, or they say “why do you leave your stuff all around?” In all these situations the other person is calling out for love. They have a need that's not being met, and it probably has nothing to do with the garbage or the clothes on the floor, but that's how it's expressing itself at that moment. So rather than getting defensive back, you can think, "Oh! This is a call for love. Let me communicate with them a little bit easier.”

When your chemistry starts to go down with someone and you start to build up all of these frustrations and you start to stack all of these negative things, you start to create this story about them, such as: "they're just trying to control me," or "they're just so selfish," or "I don't really even matter to them.” And these stories that you create start to spiral because these little details rub up against you and just start off as little irritants that you rub and rub and rub, but they're never really addressed. And so you start to stack negative, negative, and negative on top of a person until you create this story around them.

We have this tendency to look for the negative, and expectations destroy relationships. If you trade in your expectations for appreciation, then everything is going to change. When you appreciate your partner, not only do they feel appreciated, but they also feel loved and respected, and it's going to make them want to treat you the same way.

95% of the success of a relationship has to do with selection - and I'm not talking about selecting the right partner, I'm talking about selecting the version of you that you are going to show up as. Are you going to show up as the whiner, the person who’s always negative, or the person who’s always criticizing? Are you going to show up instead as the playful one? Or the flirty one? Or the loving one? Or the charming one? It's entirely up to you.

We all have these different parts of us, and how you show up on any given day is up to you - it's a choice. Chances are, when you first met that person you now have friction with, you were putting your best foot forward, but then, as you got comfortable and things went on, you let yourself go a little bit, and maybe you stopped dating that person. Try really putting yourself in the mindset of when you first met - maybe that means dressing up, maybe it means being a little flirtier, maybe that's really consciously dating. Now you don't need to try to impress the person you're with, they love you for who you are, but they also appreciate it when you show up like that. When you show up as your best self, they're going to show up as their best self.

You have to decide that you are 100% responsible for the success of your relationship because you have the power to change your state of mind. And if you change your state of mind, you are going to change the other person. No one's going to change because you nag them. No one wants to be coached or nagged all the time. But if you start to show up in a really fun, respectful, and loving way, they're going to reciprocate that. The way that you change someone is by first changing yourself. And that is one of the fundamental lessons that I teach in my book, in my blogs, and in so many of my videos: that you can't change the outside world by force. You change the outside world by changing yourself first.

John and Julie Gottman are a couple who have studied relationships and couples for decades. They have come up with the four horsemen of the apocalypse - aka the four big indicators that a relationship is going to fail. They even claim that they can spend just 15 minutes with a couple and know whether or not they're going to get divorced in the next five years and it’s whether or not they do these four things.

The first thing is criticism. And this is constantly criticizing your partner and placing blame on them, saying they did this wrong, they're doing this bad, they did that thing incorrectly. It's all about placing blame on them. The second one is contempt. This is disrespect, sarcasm, cynicism, superiority, and body language that tell them as well. The third is defensiveness: making excuses, playing the victim, and never taking responsibility. And if you've been following my work, that's another really big thing that I talk about in all areas of life: Stop playing the victim and get out of the victim mentality and take responsibility for your own healing. And then the fourth one is stonewalling, which is closing down, shutting out, looking at your phone or playing a video game while the other person is trying to engage with you, and totally ignoring them.

The way to undo all of these things is to show up in a better way for your person. First of all, stack all the positives. Speak in ways that are non-arguable. Don't blame the other person. Take responsibility for the way that you're feeling because no one is responsible for your happiness except you.

No one can ruin your day, your week, or your life unless you allow them to. And again, we can't control our partners, but we can shape them by taking 100 percent control over ourselves. So instead of defensiveness, take responsibility. To get rid of contempt, show appreciation. To get rid of criticism, stack the positives. To get rid of stonewalling, show up for them, be present, and allow them to feel seen, heard, and valued.

I'm going to leave you with one other thought. This is a way to end all arguments, and Julie Cowell discovered it; she calls it the "SEW" method. S stands for sensation, E stands for emotion, and W stands for want. This is a great way to never have an argument again. And of course, you're going to slip up, but you can always remind yourself and your partner as you're communicating.

The sensation is what you're feeling physically in your body, and it's not some outlandish concept. It's about getting into your body, which brings you into the present moment and gets you out of your head and out of the story you're telling. You might say, "My chest feels really tight,” and then the next thing you say is an emotion. And Julie Cowell says there are five core emotions: mad, sad, glad, excited, and scared. You want to make sure that you're not getting really conceptual with something. It's a very tangible emotion. You might say, “I have a tightness in my chest because I'm feeling scared.” 

And then you finish it up by saying what you want. It might be: “I have a tightness in my chest because I'm feeling scared because I really want this relationship with you to work and I'm scared of losing you."

But the idea is that there's nothing arguable in that sentence because you're not placing blame on the other person. So rather than get defensive, that person's going to listen to you and be like, "Oh, they're telling me what's going on in their body and what their needs are.” 

So often in arguments we talk about what we don't want. We don't want the other person to do this; we don't want them to do that. But we rarely just communicate so clearly, so simply, and so beautifully what we actually do want.

One more thing that makes relationships break down is when something else becomes more important than your partner. Maybe it's your work, or maybe it's the kids, or maybe it's a project that you're doing at work or school or whatever it is. If something becomes more important than your partner, the relationship will start to break down.

Now this is not talking about abusive partners or narcissistic people. This is about two people who want to have a healthy relationship. A lot of people give up too soon. Instead, stay persistent and you'll keep falling back in love.

My biggest piece of advice is to just tell that person what you appreciate every day. Start to keep a notebook and notice how many criticisms or negative things you say to your loved ones every day. How many positive things do you say? Do you tell each other that you love each other all the time? Do you constantly text each other cute little things like how grateful you are for each other?

Never stop dating; make that person your number one, and your relationships will flourish.