0:00 Everyone.
0:00 Welcome back to the Change Your Mind podcast.
0:02 I'm your host, Kr is Ashley, where we explore the intersection between personal development, spirituality and science.
0:08 And I'm excited to have my guest today.
0:10 We're going to talk about overcoming narcissistic abuse.
0:13 But first a couple of announcements, if you head to the show notes, click on any of the links, you're gonna be able to be taken to my book.
0:21 It was endorsed by John Gray who wrote men are from Mars.
0:25 Women are from Venus Michael Beckwith, Bob Doyle Marcy Shimoff, all three of whom were on the Secret Anita Marjai, tons of others in the spiritual and personal development space.
0:35 It's called Change Your Mind to change your reality.
0:38 You also see links for my free live master class, a bunch of free downloads, ways to connect with me.
0:44 So please come stay connected, become part of the community.
0:48 Hi, I'm Kris.
0:49 When I was younger, I went through trauma that caused me to feel broken and lost.
0:54 But my life changed after I had a spiritual awakening.
0:58 Since then, I've dedicated my life to studying and learning from masters all around the world that have helped me to create a life of fulfillment and abundance beyond my wildest dreams.
1:07 Now I'm dedicated to sharing everything I've learned so that you don't have to suffer for decades.
1:12 Like I did, I've seen people's lives completely transform and I share it all right here.
1:20 All right.
1:20 So with me today, I have Stephanie Ann and Stephanie is an attorney and recipient of the Governor's Award for advocacy with survivors of domestic violence who triumphed over narcissistic abuse with two marriages to narcissists behind her.
1:36 She's harnessed the transformative power of emotional freedom technique, also known as E F T to guide others on their path to healing and personal growth.
1:44 So welcome, Stephanie.
1:48 Hi.
1:49 Thank you so much for having me on your show today.
1:51 Yeah, I'm really happy you're here.
1:54 So I, I start all my episodes the same way and that is by asking my guests what their origin story is.
1:59 You know, what led you to do the work that you do today?
2:04 Yeah.
2:04 So, you know, I when I was an undergrad, I thought about going into law and I started working at the prosecutor's office and that's where I became a certified advocate for victims of domestic violence.
2:22 So I did a lot of training through that and then I helped develop some of the training programs with law enforcement.
2:30 And so I would also help with law enforcement going and meeting victims at like the crime scene and stuff and, and giving them resources.
2:40 And so I always had this in my, in the back of my, my mind in the back of my head that I wanted to help and to be helpful.
2:52 And then later on my, my journey has led me, you know, down a, a different path.
3:01 , you know, as I got married and had Children and found myself in marriages where I wasn't sure what was going on because in, you know, in a narcissistic a marriage or relationship, it doesn't always fit the typical cycle of domestic violence.
3:20 So it doesn't always look like domestic violence and so many of us women and men because this does happen to men as well.
3:29 We know that something's wrong in the relationship.
3:32 We just don't always know what it is if that makes sense.
3:39 Yeah.
3:39 So, yeah, so, you know, it, it was 17 years within, within these marriages and once I really understood what was going on, I could see the, that I was actually in abusive marriages.
4:00 So that's, that's kind of how, what led me here.
4:05 And I, you know, I went to law school and, within those marriages as well.
4:11 And so also when I was in law school, I did not realize I was in these abusive relationships.
4:24 So yeah, it took over 17 years and multiple life disasters and losing, my eyesight to prompt this, this huge shift in my perspective.
4:40 If that makes sense.
4:41 So, you know, for when I was in these marriages, I went from why me like why is all this stuff happening to me?
4:48 I was a good person.
4:50 I didn't do anything wrong.
4:52 I did everything right by, by society standards, you know, I, I went to college, I went to law school.
4:59 I spent five years traveling around the world, all of this stuff, but yet all these negative things kept happening.
5:06 And so I found myself at my, my sister's house just laying on the floor, just saying, why me God, why me?
5:15 I did nothing wrong.
5:16 I don't deserve this.
5:18 And you know, it really took me coming to that, that breaking point and realizing that I had this victim mindset for so long.
5:33 And when you have this victim mindset, you can't see the lessons you're not growing, you're stagnant, you're stuck.
5:41 And what happened was after I lost my eyesight, I really felt that I was not seeing my story through the right lens that I needed to let go of the victim story and become the hero, the star of my own story.
6:05 And when I was able to do that, I was able to see the lessons.
6:08 I was able to know what needed to be healed, what needed to be released, what needed to be let go and ultimately to find empowerment, you know, every, every struggle became a powerful lesson.
6:23 And so, you know, I, I was able to go back through and look at the two men that I was married to and for so long that I called them monsters trying to destroy my life.
6:40 But when I was able to make that mindset change, I could actually see them as teachers, I could see what needed to be healed.
6:50 I could see where I needed more compassion, where I needed more forgiveness.
6:56 And ultimately, I was able to heal myself and break those patterns in my life.
7:04 And that's why I come to share my, my story.
7:08 Thank you so much for sharing your story.
7:11 It's, it's so interesting that you just said monsters and teachers because I have a whole chapter in my book literally about turning your monsters into teachers.
7:18 And I use those exact same words and I've never heard anyone else use that phrasing before.
7:24 So that's really interesting.
7:26 Wow.
7:26 Yes.
7:27 And I haven't read your book and I actually would love to read your book.
7:31 Yeah.
7:31 Yeah.
7:32 Yeah.
7:33 I'll send you a copy after.
7:35 So, you know, I, I, I really appreciate you sharing your story and it's, it's so similar to what, well, a what I talk about on this show and in my own content and in my own book so much and b what others have shared on this show, right?
7:52 That, you know, life isn't happening to us, it's happening for us, right?
7:56 Everything that happens are, is for lessons so that we can learn and grow and level up.
8:02 And when we have something that we need to heal inside of us, this until we address that the same patterns are gonna keep happening over and over.
8:13 And that's not to blame victims in any kind of way because of course, I would never blame a victim, but it's to help people feel more empowered so that they can leave victim mentality and take charge of their own healing.
8:26 So what do you, what do you think it was that you needed to heal?
8:30 Like what lessons did you need to learn?
8:33 Like why do you think all that was happening?
8:35 So that's a really good question.
8:38 So when I was married to my first husband, Josh, who was a covert narcissist, I spent 14 years with him and within those 14 years, he constantly had affairs, emotional affairs and eventually left for another married woman.
8:57 And, you know, I didn't see that as abuse.
9:02 And I think a lot of us, we have abuse over here on one side and we have cheating over here.
9:09 We failed to put them together, but it's abuse.
9:14 And so when I was able, so for so long, I just saw him as a cheater, not as an abuser, but when I was able to step out and actually see him as a teacher, then I could say, OK, I needed to work on, on, on boundaries for instance.
9:35 So I, I pulled out a journal and I said, ok, if I were to see him as not a monster trying to destroy my life.
9:44 But as a teacher, what did he teach me during these 14 years?
9:49 He taught me that I needed boundaries.
9:53 And so I could say thank you Josh for showing me that I need my own boundaries because for 14 years, I was the boundaries police for him.
10:03 If that makes sense, I held boundaries for him saying, OK, I would go and confront the other woman, you know, he's married, you know, all this stuff.
10:13 I would tell him to stop he wanted, but I did not have boundaries for myself and we cannot be boundaries for another person.
10:20 We are only responsible for ourselves.
10:23 So I could say thank you Josh for showing me how important how important it is for me to have boundaries for me and that I cannot be boundaries or the boundaries, police for other people.
10:37 Isn't it interesting how we like always tend to blame the other woman more than before the man?
10:43 And it's, it's, you know, it's something that I've been guilty of in my past as well when I've had people cheat on me.
10:50 And it's, it's, it's something I don't know if it's some animalistic territorial thing or something.
10:55 But the blame, I mean, and, and sure the blame also belongs to the other woman.
11:00 But it, it tends to be like the rage gets directed at the woman rather than the man.
11:06 Yeah.
11:06 No, I the guilty of that as well.
11:10 And it's like, no, I mean, all three of us need to take responsibility for, for that.
11:17 And so, you know, and another thing too was that I could say thank you Josh for showing me that I'm worthy of so much more.
11:26 And I say worthy now instead of deserving, I hear so many people to say you deserve this or you deserve that.
11:33 Well, when you look at like the etymology of, of deserving, it means that we had to do something to get something I choose to say worthy because it is innate and who we are.
11:46 I'm worthy of this just because I am me.
11:50 And so I look back and say I am worthy of so much more.
11:54 Thank you for showing me that.
11:57 And so, you know, when I went into my second marriage, I waited a couple of years, I thought I, I was healed.
12:05 I did some work but, but not the work that I have since done.
12:12 And so when I was ready to start dating again, I made the list.
12:16 I mean, how many of us we, we make the list, we manifest.
12:20 I wrote down everything I wanted and everything.
12:23 I was looking divorced dad, only with boys because I'm a divorced mom, only with boys.
12:29 , someone who's traveled because I've traveled.
12:33 So, you know,, a businessman, not a medical because I still had that mindset.
12:39 Oh, you're in medical.
12:40 You're, you're a cheater.
12:41 So it has to be medical.
12:43 So I, I was very, very specific this time around, threw it out to the universe.
12:48 I meet a man a week later who fits every single box.
12:55 But what I have later learned is that the universe God source, you know, whomever we resonate with will give us what we want with all the unlearned, unhealed lessons from my first marriage.
13:12 And so, although I got exactly what I wanted, I also got another narcissist this time, but he was, he was worse.
13:24 And so, you know, it's like we have to heal, we have to, to see the lessons because then we know what to heal and then we can break those patterns.
13:36 But when I was still stuck in the victim mentality, when I manifested husband number two, when I was stuck there, I didn't realize that there were still so many deeper,, lessons that needed to be learned deeper levels of healing that I needed to go through.
13:55 So I moved on thinking I was healed and until we actually are healed and see those lessons and learn those lessons, like you said, we will continue to repeat the same patterns over and over and over again.
14:14 Yeah, absolutely.
14:16 And you know, I've heard from so many people and I've experienced it myself where you think you've done all this healing, you've done this inner work.
14:25 But you really haven't gotten down to the core issue and you don't know that.
14:29 Right.
14:29 You just think, oh, I've put all this work in, I've done, I've done and the shadow work I've done the inner child healing all these things.
14:35 But it's like you've kind of skirted around the issue.
14:37 So it becomes this spiral, right?
14:39 Like, like progress isn't linear, right?
14:42 You're going to be shown deeper and deeper lessons until you get down to that core.
14:48 And you know, you brought up something so important and I swear to God, are you sure you haven't read my book?
14:52 Because that's exactly what manifested, but I'm excited to read.
14:59 It's really funny.
15:01 But no, that's exactly how I manifested him.
15:03 I made a list but, you know, you're, you touched on something so important.
15:07 It's like the universe checked all those boxes for you.
15:12 But until you heal those repressed emotions or, you know, whatever you're holding on to, it's gonna seep into your manifesting because it's like you put on.
15:24 I don't know if we're using victim as an example.
15:26 You put on like victim colored glasses and you see the world that way, right?
15:30 So you can't help but manifest more situations and people and circumstances that are gonna make you feel like a victim until you feel those things.
15:39 But when you're in it, it's, it's not so clear, it's so easy to like say it 20 years down the road or whatever it is.
15:46 Right.
15:47 Oh, yeah.
15:47 No, you, and it's, and especially when you are in a narcissistic, abusive relationship, you don't know that you're in it in the beginning.
15:59 You have no idea.
16:00 I had no idea.
16:01 I thought I manifested him.
16:03 So when he said, oh God sent me to you, we're soulmates.
16:08 We all of this stuff and he began projecting and mirroring me.
16:13 I essentially fell in love with myself, but I didn't know that.
16:17 So tell me a little bit more about the second husband, like, what were the signs of narcissism?
16:22 And, and I think it would also just be helpful for people to just understand like what is narcissistic behavior.
16:30 Yeah.
16:30 So if we all remember back in middle school, I know we all had to study like Latin and Greek or mythology and stuff.
16:42 So narcissist was a, a man who fell in love with his own reflection.
16:48 So in psycho psychology terms, as basically someone who is so in love with themselves.
16:54 So obsessed with themselves, they have this grandiose sense of self importance.
17:01 They have this preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, success, wealth, beauty.
17:10 They believe that they can only be understood by special people.
17:17 They have this need, this constant need for, for admiration, but it's excessive, it's constant, it, it's what fuels them, it's what keeps them alive.
17:29 but they tend to lack empathy.
17:31 And so they use people to get what they want for them.
17:37 Life is, is a game and it's how can they get to the top and they will do whatever it takes to get there and to get that, that fulfillment through the admiration, the excessive admiration.
17:57 So what you have is you have this cycle of narcissistic abuse.
18:02 It starts with the ideal phase.
18:07 This is where they come in super hot.
18:10 They tell you everything you wanna hear, they mirror you, they mirror your personality, they mirror everything you love.
18:18 They, it becomes a very strong, fast attachment and relationship.
18:27 And then once they have you kind of hooked, they know all your deepest secrets, they know all your insecurities, all your vulnerabilities.
18:39 They are the best listeners and they open it up for you to just help them everything to pour your heart out.
18:45 And then once they know that you're hooked, then they have the, the devaluation phase.
18:49 And this is where the the manipulation comes in.
18:51 This is where the gas lighting comes in and gas lighting for anyone who doesn't understand what gas lighting is is when they change your perception of reality.
19:01 So for instance, say you had a fight last night, an argument and in the morning you address it, hey, when you were talking about this, it made me feel like this and they will say if that didn't happen, that's not what I meant.
19:19 You are too sensitive, you're taking things too personally.
19:24 And they will kind of mess with your mind to confuse you.
19:29 It's just a sick game.
19:31 , and so can I ask you a question?
19:35 Do you, do you think that they consciously do this or do you think it's just so innate in their personality that they're not even aware?
19:44 I think it is a little of both.
19:48 I think that it has their behaviors and their actions have been buried so deep in their subconscious that it goes a habit.
19:59 It is a behavior.
20:01 It is their complete paradigm.
20:03 But I also think that there is some awareness.
20:08 They know they know that they're being mean to you.
20:14 And so they, they know what they're doing.
20:18 That's why so many people say, oh your x rays was so psycho.
20:22 I'm like, no, he was calculated.
20:25 He knew what he was doing.
20:28 He's not psycho.
20:30 He has a disordered personality, but he's not psycho.
20:35 So what was it that the second husband did that fell into this behavior?
20:41 So he so again in the beginning, when I manifested him during the idealization phase, he, he mirrored me.
20:50 So he loved that.
20:53 I was a strong independent woman.
20:54 He loved that.
20:56 I was opinionated about so many big political ideas.
21:02 He loved that I was an attorney.
21:05 He loved that all my girlfriends were strong independent women who could think independently for themselves.
21:13 He loved the way I parented.
21:16 He, he just adored all these things about me and, and in the beginning as well, you know, I, I told him that for 14 years I was cheated on and this is how it made me feel and this is still an insecurity, an area that I'm still healing in.
21:37 So when he goes to the devaluation stage, it's,, I hate all your girlfriends.
21:46 I hate lawyers.
21:47 Lawyers are the worst people.
21:48 They're evil.
21:49 You know, I mean, I'm not taking it personally but it's my profession, you know,, it was just everything he loved about me.
21:59 He hated during the devaluation and,, and especially what he would do in, it's called triangulation where,, you know, they, he knew that I had an insecurity about other women.
22:15 I was still healing and working through that.
22:18 But he would always say stuff like, oh, I, I went to the store and this really beautiful woman gave me her phone number and she has a hot tub and invited me over to go hot tub.
22:29 I think I might just go for a little bit.
22:31 Is that ok with you?
22:32 I mean, do you mind, you know, stuff like that?
22:37 Yeah.
22:38 Which you don't, you, you don't do it in a relationship?
22:43 Yeah.
22:43 And probably didn't even happen.
22:45 Right.
22:46 It, it makes me think,, this is like a ridiculous story.
22:49 But my, when I was a sophomore in college,, my best friend was my roommate and we had these other two roommates and there, there was a woman, one of her, one of, one of our roommates was named Phil and she was dating a guy named Phil and he was in a boy band.
23:08 I think they were called like Foreplay that had, he claimed had opened for N Sync, which was Total BS.
23:13 But I remember one day he was awful to her.
23:16 But I remember one day she, he had had a dream that she cheated on him in his dream.
23:22 And so when she went to his house, he had opened a bunch of condom wrappers and, like, scattered them around his room just to, like, make her think that he just like crazy stuff like that.
23:33 And that's totally what that makes me think of.
23:35 It's like, yes, those, those, there was no woman giving him a number.
23:40 You know what I mean?
23:40 But it's just to make you feel shitty.
23:43 Exactly.
23:44 And that's what they do.
23:45 They need to bring you down because, you know, one of the myths as well with narcissism is, oh, they're so secure, they're so confident.
23:56 They know who they are.
23:58 No, actually they have one of the most fragile egos ever.
24:01 They are, they hate themselves.
24:05 They don't like themselves.
24:07 And so, you know, they have to bring you down to their level and when they do that it gives them a sense of power and control because now they have just manipulated and controlled your emotions and your reactions and, and you, they can make you feel so good in one moment and so horrible in the next moment.
24:32 And that's probably what makes it hard to leave them.
24:34 Right.
24:35 Because you're like the, the, the bad moments are bad but then they'll apologize or make up for it in some way.
24:41 Right.
24:42 Yep.
24:43 And so what they say is it, it's called a trauma bond.
24:47 So when you have all these intermittent reinforcement of good and bad it gets, you just stuck in this, this cycle because, ok, I know it's going to be bad, but I also know it's going to be good again.
25:03 So how long can I hold out when it's bad and, and wait for the good to come in.
25:12 It's a, a trauma.
25:13 So it's called a trauma bond.
25:16 It's very similar to what like kidnapping victims, how they feel towards the kidnapper.
25:23 It is, I always explain it like a drug addiction.
25:27 So the first time you use a drug, you get this dopamine rush.
25:32 And so say you're way up here with this high.
25:35 Then every progressive time you use the drug after that, it's always, it never goes to the first high that you had.
25:43 It's a little lower, a little lower, but yet you still keep taking because you, you say you're, yeah, you know, it's chasing the dragon, you're trying to get back up there.
25:54 And so you keep using because you know that you've been up there before.
25:59 So maybe if I take one, maybe if I do this, maybe if I do that, I will reach that for high again, similarly to the trauma bond with the, the victim and abuser.
26:12 It's, we know that they know how to love us.
26:15 We know that they know how to treat us well.
26:18 We know that they know how to do things for us.
26:22 You know, all of that.
26:23 This, this is a false love is what it is.
26:28 But in our head, it's like we stay with them because even though it's bad, it's gonna get really good again.
26:34 How long, how long does that usually take to happen to where the, the like, first honeymoon kind of phase wears off?
26:42 You know, it, it depends on, on the person.
26:46 I've heard people say, you know, within a month they're, they're hooked and addicted to this person.
26:51 It is an addiction.
26:54 And,, and so for me, it took about about eight months to, to fully get hooked and we got married and I didn't see the, the devalue, the devaluation until after we got married because he had me hooked and committed.
27:15 And it's much harder to leave.
27:17 Now, if these people were always horrible and mean, all the time, no one would stay with them.
27:27 But it's that intermittent reinforcement that keeps you attached and keeps you stuck in that loop.
27:33 And so the only way to really heal and break from that is that you have to reprogram your brain, you have to rewire your brain and this is why it is not a typical breakup if you have two healthy people and you have a breakup is very painful, is hard.
27:53 It, it sucks.
27:55 But there hasn't been that rewiring of your brain and so breaking up with a narcissist or someone with a disordered personality, it's time does not heal only intentional, hard work to reprogram your brain is the only thing that will break that trauma bond and truly set you free.
28:22 Yeah.
28:22 And I'm gonna, I wanna talk a little bit more about that in a moment.
28:25 But, you know, first I wanna ask, you know, we, we've been talking about how a lot of times we need to heal ourselves in order to get out of these patterns and, and, you know, we tend to manifest these kind of things because of what's going on internally.
28:43 So what do you think was going on internally with you that made you choose these people as partners?
28:49 And also second part of the question you mentioned that it's an addiction.
28:53 And when I think of addiction, I think of very specific personality types that, that fall into that addictive mode.
29:01 So is there a certain personality type that, that usually goes for a narcissistic partner?
29:07 So, no, no.
29:11 And I, and I want to throw that out there because I think this is also a huge myth that people say, oh, well, you must have come from a unhealthy, traumatic chaotic childhood.
29:24 No, I come from, my parents are still married.
29:28 My parents, I came from a very peaceful, loving, healthy family.
29:34 However, I have learned through my research that narcissism is something that has passed through the generations.
29:46 And so even though something has passed through the generation in your family history, it just means you have more of a predis disposition for it.
30:00 So does that mean that there is like some little DNA signal going out to the universe that, hey, I'm predisposed to the narcissist come find me.
30:09 I don't know.
30:10 I really don't know.
30:12 But I do know that I have worked to break off all these generational patterns of narcissist in my family so that it does not go to my sons.
30:21 , so there's, there's that my first husband also came from a very healthy family.
30:28 His parents are still married.
30:29 They've been married for 55 years.
30:30 In fact, he, when he walked out on me and divorced me, his parents kept me and he disowned his parents.
30:38 No.
30:39 , you know, which is all not very typical.
30:42 My second husband did come from a very traumatic background.
30:47 And so,, you know, there, there's that I wouldn't say I was calling it out.
30:55 I did not know I was in it, but I think because of I was unhealed from my first marriage and I needed to repeat so that I could learn.
31:07 And if we think of why we are here, why are we here to grow and learn and, and help other people grow and learn?
31:16 Yeah.
31:17 So it's almost like this trap that anyone could fall into.
31:20 And it, it makes me think of that little parable.
31:22 I'm sure you've heard it where there's 22 sons, right?
31:27 Two brothers and one is successful and he's happily married and he's got a family and he travels and he's got this life and he's positive and the other one is an alcoholic and he's depressed and he's you know, really pessimistic.
31:43 And this interviewer asked the first guy, like, why do you think it is that you're so successful?
31:48 And he said, because I had an alcoholic father and then he asked the second brother, why do you think you're so unsuccessful and so unhappy?
31:54 He's like, because I had an alcoholic father.
31:57 So it's all about your perspective, right?
32:00 Which kind of leads into this perspective shift?
32:02 Like how did you let go of victim mode and become the hero of your own story?
32:08 What was that process like?
32:09 So I was actually in, in Florida, I had just left my second husband Jace and was at my sister's house and then I had lost my eyesight.
32:23 So I, yeah, sorry, I sorry to interrupt you.
32:27 How did you lose your eyesight?
32:28 So we're back after just a little bit of tech issues and now I don't even remember what, oh, I asked you how you lost your eyesight.
32:37 And then as soon as I said that the sound went out.
32:39 So it was very strange.
32:42 So, I was actually living in Florida at the time and I went out boating with some friends and I know we're supposed to wear our good U V sunglasses.
32:53 I had them but my sunglasses had just broke.
32:56 So I just stopped at the gas station and grabbed a cheap pair.
33:00 But I fried my eyes.
33:02 I woke up the next morning and I couldn't see.
33:05 I literally squinted my way to the eye doctor and she said, step, your eyes are so damaged and so inflamed, it looked like someone had taken sandpaper and just destroyed both my eyes.
33:19 So I couldn't see for almost six weeks.
33:24 And I went to my sister's house, she lived in Missouri and I couldn't do anything.
33:30 You know, I couldn't write, I couldn't do anything except for think.
33:34 And I was just sitting there, I just left my second husband.
33:37 So I'm just sitting there in this rubble of my life.
33:42 You know, say, why me, why, why is all this that happened to me?
33:47 And it was in that moment where I felt God was saying, Stephanie, you are not seeing your story through the right lens.
33:59 I physically and you know, metaphorically could not see my story because of the victim mindset I had and he was like, you need to let go of the victim mindset and become the hero of your story.
34:23 And when you think about it, when we're stuck in this victim mindset, we're a background person in our life, we're in the shadows.
34:32 We're just somewhere over there, we're not the star of our life.
34:38 And I had made my two ex-husbands.
34:40 I had made all these bad things that kept happening to me.
34:44 They were the star of my story.
34:49 How sad.
34:50 Right?
34:51 Yeah.
34:52 How sad.
34:54 And you were probably focusing on them and talking about them and feeling all these emotions towards them.
35:00 So it was putting a lot of energy.
35:02 But I, I just have to say that gave me goosebumps when you know, I i it's so funny how aligned we are.
35:10 Like I also talk about a similar thing in my book, but it's, it's like our body is telling us messages all the time and the fact that you physically couldn't see and then you got that message, you need to see yourself through this other lens, through this other story.
35:26 Like that is some powerful stuff right there.
35:31 And I asked, did your, did your eyesight start to improve once you made that shift in your perspective?
35:36 Yes, it did.
35:38 And so I I'm just getting goose bumps too.
35:42 You know, it's the universe.
35:46 God wants to bless us.
35:49 Hm.
35:50 You know, they, they don't want to see us struggle and, and all this pain in living this life.
35:58 And I thank God every day that I had this epiphany moment where I had had enough and I was going nowhere in my life.
36:11 And so to physically have my eyesight taken away, who loses their eyesight for six weeks because you got a sunburn on your eyes.
36:19 I mean, it's pretty wild and, yeah, it's not typical coincidences, you know.
36:25 And so it, it was then that I needed to shift because for so long people would ask me, well, Stephanie, what are the lessons?
36:35 Well, there's no lessons when you're in a victim mindset because I didn't do anything wrong.
36:42 Do you see how that mindset is?
36:44 I did nothing wrong.
36:46 So you cannot see you physically and metaphorically, whatever, you cannot see any of the lessons.
36:55 And so, you know, how did it happen?
36:57 I made a choice.
36:59 I made a choice to be done and to let it go because I was done being stuck and going nowhere in my life.
37:07 And so I made that choice and yes, my eyesight slowly came back and I was able to see again, but I was also able to shift from why me to for me like what like what you were saying, all this stuff happened to me.
37:23 But what are the lessons that I learned?
37:26 And I learned some very, very hard, painful tear, felt things that I never want to go through again.
37:33 But I learned these and they are gold.
37:38 Yeah, I, I have chills.
37:40 , I'm, I'm so grateful for you sharing your story and, you know, I, I believe that we plan out these lessons we're supposed to learn before we incarnate and it was like you, you nailed it.
37:54 Right.
37:55 And, and yeah, they're, they're painful.
37:58 Like no one's saying this work is easy and no one's saying that it happens overnight.
38:03 But what does happen overnight is that change in perspective, right?
38:07 That decision because you always have the choice and so often we stay in victim mode because we have these perceived payoffs to it.
38:16 Right?
38:16 We're like, ok, we'll get, we'll get pity like we could be the martyr.
38:20 Like I don't have to take responsibility because I can avoid my own guilt.
38:25 Like I, you know, I don't have to take accountability but like you don't get to step into your power and level up.
38:30 Right.
38:31 Exactly.
38:32 And for so many years, for 17 years, I felt stuck going nowhere.
38:40 And as soon as I was able to make that choice and we all have to come to a place where we've had enough where we're done and we're ready or something else.
38:53 And no one can tell you no one can tell a victim that is stuck in an abusive relationship.
38:58 You need to leave, we can tell him all day long or to the abuser.
39:04 I cannot love him enough to change.
39:07 He has to become aware and make that choice himself.
39:10 We are only responsible for us and, and, and it is a choice and it is hard work.
39:19 And so many people, I can give it an outlined detailed map to someone of how they could be free.
39:28 But until they say that they are worthy of so much more and they choose them, it doesn't matter.
39:39 Yeah.
39:41 Yeah.
39:41 Which is, which is so frustrating as someone's friend or family member or someone from the outside looking in.
39:49 But you're right, we can't force anyone to change.
39:52 All we can do is change ourselves.
39:55 Yeah, that's all we can do.
39:57 And so for me, I, I learned E F T.
40:03 you know, I also believe that the divine God, you know, the universe gives us what we need when, when we need it.
40:11 And I was just desperately seeking something and one of my friends posted in on her social media platform that there was a, an E F T class.
40:26 And so I thought I was actually signing up to work with a practitioner.
40:31 Hm, this is how, how much I I needed this.
40:35 I actually signed up to become a practitioner.
40:38 I had never heard of E F T.
40:39 I had never done a session before.
40:42 And here I am, I'm in this, this group is like six month training program, but it was exactly what I needed because I had so much deep inner work that I needed to do.
40:54 So what better than getting your 1000 hours or, you know, however many hours it was to become a, a certified practitioner.
41:01 It was a lot of hours and I had to do it on myself and I had other people in the program that we practiced on.
41:08 And so for hours and days and weeks and months and it's been years now, I did E F T.
41:15 So for anyone who doesn't know what E F T is, it's emotional freedom techniques.
41:20 It is a one of many wonderful healing modalities that are out there and it is like acupuncture.
41:28 So we, we tap on the meridian points of the body and as we're tapping, we have we say certain things and it's really is a modality that helps you sit with your big heavy emotions that are coming up because unless we sit with them, unless we acknowledge them and release them, release them from our body is like you were saying earlier, our body holds a trauma.
41:57 And so when the trauma is done, our body still is holding on to it just because we're done, doesn't mean our body is done.
42:06 And so we have to really do the hard work of releasing all the trauma from our body.
42:12 And that's why I love E F T because it is such a, a easy the way to do it if you just sit down and do the work.
42:26 And so I just spent so much time sitting with all of this sort of leasing it.
42:31 And, you know, I, I would release things from the cellular level.
42:36 I would release things from the bone marrow.
42:39 And I, and I was starting to laugh like, why am I doing this?
42:43 Why am I releasing it from the cellular level?
42:47 I didn't know at the time, but in our cells and in our DNA holds generational patterns.
42:57 And so when we can release the trauma from ourselves, we can break off those generational traumas that have been that we have inherited through our DNA that's really powerful.
43:13 And I, I just have to, I, I love that you accidentally signed up for a six month training because you were immersed in it and that it was like the universe gave you what you needed.
43:24 Like you said, that's really powerful and like I used to run yoga teacher trainings and I know that those, those were just 200 hours.
43:31 But that, that was like therapy, right?
43:34 And I imagine this was the same kind of thing.
43:37 So how do you know that you're releasing it from your cells?
43:41 Is there like a certain, I, I don't know, like, do you go through like certain depths of the body?
43:46 Like how do you know you're getting that deep?
43:49 I do now, I don't know about other practitioners.
43:54 This is just something that I just started doing and I didn't know why until I started reading books on like generational trauma and how generational trauma is passed through the DNA and in our cells and in our like bone marrow.
44:09 And then I went back and I was like, holy,, mind blown.
44:14 I had been doing, I have been doing this like deep cellular releasing work for years and I didn't know I was doing that.
44:23 So I just go, you know, for doing a tapping.
44:27 you know, usually the first couple rounds is where do you feel the trauma in your body?
44:32 And let's sit with it and acknowledge it.
44:35 So say for instance, it's, it's anxiety, anxiety is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong.
44:44 It's alerting you.
44:46 Well, now we need to tell our body it's safe because we're in a safe place now.
44:51 So acknowledge the anxiety, acknowledge you.
44:54 I'm in a safe place.
44:55 I don't need you.
44:55 Thank you for showing up when I needed you before, but I don't need you now.
44:59 So I'm going to release you.
45:01 So second rounds are releasing.
45:03 And so I would just, you know, all this anxiety, I'm feeling all this anxiety, I'm feeling deep in my body, I'm letting it go.
45:14 I'm choosing to let it go from the cellular level.
45:17 All my cells, all my cells are releasing all this anxiety from my body all the way down to my bone marrow.
45:23 So I just speak it out and then, you know, it just comes to your, your mindset, your conscious, your subconscious mind.
45:32 And that's what what tapping is, is where we're reprogramming our subconscious mind through the repetition and through tapping on like the acupuncture points.
45:44 And so I take mine a step further.
45:47 Not everyone, not everyone releases from the bone marrow and the cells.
45:51 I'm sure probably people think I'm crazy when I do that.
45:53 But now I know why.
45:55 But I also do a third round of tapping into who we want to become.
46:00 So I'm no longer a victim.
46:03 So let's tap into the opposite.
46:07 You know, the universe likes to work in polarities.
46:10 So if we have a victim mindset over here, what is the polar opposite of a victim mindset?
46:15 It is, I am confident I am strong.
46:18 I am becoming, they used to have, I am becoming empress, I am embracing like the empress, the divine feminine.
46:25 I am powerful.
46:27 I am strong.
46:28 I am the polar opposite of, of everything.
46:32 And I tap into that and through the repetition, we rewire our brain.
46:41 And so even go ahead.
46:43 I was gonna say even when I'm working with, with people on this, you know, so many they're like, well, I'm not that well, I don't believe that I want that, but it's hard for me to see that.
46:54 Ok.
46:54 Well, let's just tap your becoming, I'm trying to see that I am strong.
47:00 I am becoming stronger every day.
47:02 I am becoming braver and more courageous every day.
47:08 Yeah, I mean, it's, it's affirmations that you're saying and there is so much power in like anything you put after the words, I am is so powerful, right?
47:19 Because you're, you're literally manifesting, you become that.
47:24 So can you, I, you know, I love to back things up with science.
47:28 And I know we're almost at time here.
47:30 But can you talk a little bit about like, why, why the acupuncture points?
47:35 Why the meridians?
47:36 Like, what's the, what's the science behind that?
47:39 So I, I don't know all the science behind it.
47:44 I, I know, but I know it works.
47:48 I know that with PTSD, there has been peer reviewed articles that show that this is one of the fastest ways to reprogram and rewire your brain for C PTSD or PTSD.
48:07 So when it did start, I can't even remember the man's name who started it, but he was a therapist and psychiatrist and he had a patient who was afraid of water so much so that she refused to take showers, she wouldn't drink water all of this stuff.
48:24 And so he looked at Eastern practices and Western practices and he kind of combined them together.
48:30 So in the eastern, some of the Eastern healing practices is tapping on the meridian points like these acupuncture points on the body.
48:42 I don't know the physiology of it.
48:44 I don't know how it all works, but I do know that repetition works in rewiring your brain rewiring your thoughts because you really have to rewire.
48:55 You have to reprogram your thoughts to get all the negative thoughts.
49:00 All the, the years of manipulation, all the years of gas lighting, all the the years of being told, you're not good enough being told that being criticized, being whatever, all those lies that have been programmed into your head by your abuser, we need to get those out.
49:22 And so it's not like we are taking what is in the brain out.
49:31 It's like we are just putting up road signs that say do not enter and we're rebuilding a superhighway around it with the positive.
49:41 I like that metaphor and it's, it's like what you're doing also is not just getting those out, but you're replacing them with something even more positive, right?
49:51 Because yeah, so there's not that like hole there, right?
49:54 That if your mind can just fill with whatever it wants, you're like, here's where you're trying to go back.
50:01 All right.
50:01 So thank you so much for coming on and, and sharing your story and sharing all of this.
50:08 Can you let listeners know how they can work with you where they can find you if they'd like to?
50:13 Yeah.
50:14 So I I currently on linkedin and Facebook right now.
50:19 I've had some big life transitions just in the past two months that have kind of slowed me down.
50:28 My, with what I've been doing.
50:30 So I I my website is not done and stuff, but I will I sent you the links to Facebook and linkedin so people can reach out that way.
50:43 Ok, great.
50:43 Yeah, the links will be in the show notes for listeners.
50:45 And thank you so much for everyone who tuned in today.
50:48 Please like share, subscribe, help spread the good word and thank you all so much.
50:53 Have a beautiful rest of your day.
50:55 Thank you.
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