0:02 Hi, everyone.
0:02 Welcome back to the Change Your Mind podcast where we explore the intersection between personal development, spirituality and science.
0:10 I'm your host Kris Ashley.
0:12 Hi, I'm Kris.
0:13 When I was younger I went through trauma that caused me to feel broken and lost.
0:18 But my life changed after I had a spiritual awakening.
0:22 Since then, I've dedicated my life to studying and learning from masters all around the world that have helped me to create a life of fulfillment and abundance beyond my wildest dreams.
0:31 Now I'm dedicated to sharing everything I've learned so that you don't have to suffer for decades.
0:36 Like I did, I've seen people's lives completely transform and I share it all right here and today we are going to talk about self love before we get into it.
0:47 One quick announcement, I have a free live workshop that I do every couple of weeks, check it out in the show notes and also go check out my book, change your mind to change your reality.
0:59 It's available.
0:59 Paperback ebook, audio book, everywhere you get your books.
1:02 Also, the links are in the show notes.
1:04 So I am so excited to introduce my guest today with me, I have Mercedes Aslan and she is a dedicated spiritual transformation coach.
1:15 Mercedes empowers women to navigate life's challenges from past trauma to imposter syndrome.
1:22 Through her guidance, many find their path to authenticity and self love, illuminating the world with renewed strength and confidence.
1:30 Welcome Mercedes.
1:31 I'm so excited to have you on.
1:33 Hi.
1:33 Fantastic.
1:33 I'm really glad to be here.
1:35 Nice to meet you again.
1:36 Yeah.
1:36 Yeah.
1:37 It, it's great to have you back.
1:39 So, you know, I, I know that you mentioned to me that you had a spiritual awakening.
1:44 We, we kind of talked about how similar to myself it was your own trauma that led to that spiritual awakening.
1:51 So if you wouldn't mind, I'd love to start with people's origin stories.
1:55 It helps listeners see that out of their own darkness can come something really beautiful.
1:59 So if you wouldn't mind sharing, what was it that led to your own transformation?
2:04 Ok.
2:04 I'll start right from the beginning.
2:06 So when I was a child, I was growing up, my dad was an alcoholic and he was in and out of our lives.
2:13 and causing lots of turmoil all around the place.
2:16 I was lucky that I had a really solid mum who kind of helped me with my own personal development.
2:23 So she was introducing me to things like Dale Carnegie when I was as a teenager and getting me to kind of read those things and she taught me self hypnosis when I was suffering with insomnia.
2:32 So I had that sort of guidance all the way along.
2:34 , when I was about 15, I decided I didn't want anything to do with my dad ever again.
2:40 I couldn't handle it because he was so he was starting to become really too abusive.
2:44 And I think for five years I didn't have, didn't have anything to do with him.
2:47 And then I saw him occasionally and when I was 25 he committed suicide,, to top it off, he did it so that his body was found on Father's Day.
2:58 , just to kind of rub a little bit of salt in the wounds there.
3:02 And,, knowing my dad and how deliberate everything he did was that wasn't a mistake.
3:08 He kind of, he knew exactly what he was doing and when he was doing it,, and at the time I was working in the corporate world, looking back, I realized that going into the corporate world and doing all of that was me just living the life that I thought I was supposed to live.
3:23 I wasn't really consciously thinking, what do I want to create with for my life?
3:28 Where do I want to go?
3:29 I was just like I go to school, I go to university.
3:32 I get a good job and there was no, there was no thought behind it.
3:35 And, you know, I get to a certain age, I get married and I have Children and that's what you do.
3:38 , and I think when my dad committed suicide, it kind of made me sit back and think is this actually, is this really what I want out of my life?
3:47 And, I left banking and I still, I was suffering really badly from depression and I didn't really know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do.
3:56 And I started to get into doing lots of yoga personally.
4:00 And it was just for me and I went away on a retreat and I came back and my mum was like, let's work through Louise Hayes.
4:07 You can heal your life together.
4:08 And I was like, ok, that's great.
4:09 Let's do it.
4:10 And there's a section in it where she works on mirror work and you have to look at yourself in the mirror and you have to say I love you and I literally could not do it.
4:18 It was like, it was like I was fighting myself to do it.
4:21 And I think at that point, that's about 10 years ago.
4:24 Now, at that point, it was another kind of turning point where I thought, well, hang on a minute.
4:27 I felt like I'd, I felt like I'd moved forward so much with my life.
4:32 And now I'm realizing that actually there's so far to go.
4:35 And I've spent, I spent a bit of time shortly after that, we went away, we moved from where we were living in London in the UK, we rode to Devon, which is a few 100 miles away and it's quite a bit more remote.
4:47 And I spent a year not working and just doing things like meditation and yoga.
4:53 And I was reading spiritual books.
4:55 I was actually chanting a chapter of the Bag of Agita every day and just really spending time on myself and going inwards.
5:02 And I think coming out of that, II, I came out a completely different person and it's still, for me, I always say it's an ongoing process.
5:09 Like I don't, I still don't feel like I'm fixed.
5:12 I don't, I, I don't kind of like I don't have the concept of being a fixed person.
5:16 There's always, there's always another layer, there's something else that comes up, there's more things to work on and old patterns still come back sometimes.
5:24 And it's just, I'm now a lot more aware, I'm a lot more conscious of what my patterns are when they appear and I can catch myself more quickly.
5:32 And I have a much more fulfilling life and I do the things that I want to do and everything I create comes from within me rather than without.
5:42 Yeah.
5:42 Thank you so much for sharing that story.
5:46 You know, like I said, I think so many people's awakenings happen because of their own trauma.
5:52 And it, it's just like you get to this point where your soul can't take it anymore.
5:57 Right?
5:58 And something has to change.
5:59 And I love what II I, what I really love is your vulnerability that you just shared because I think that healing happens in cycles, right?
6:08 And it's like almost like this spiral.
6:10 It's not this straight line where we think, OK, we, we've healed this thing, we've learned the lessons we're meant to learn and then all of a sudden it just hits you again, right?
6:20 Like the Louise Hay thing did with you.
6:22 And it's like, wait a minute, I've been doing all this self work and it kind of knocks you back a little bit, but that's so normal, you know, and, and no one is truly fixed, right?
6:33 Like you mentioned, it's, we're all on this journey and we're all unlearning our own patterns and doing the best we can.
6:41 So I appreciate, I appreciate your perspective on that a lot.
6:46 So, was it that year that you took off or was there some other moment that made you really find self love?
6:54 Because I know that's what you teach others.
6:55 So I'm assuming that you found it yourself that you were able to finally look at yourself, your own eyes in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself.
7:04 Yeah, I would say that year helped.
7:06 I, I would say it was one moment in particular and that I think that's kind of, it's half the battle.
7:12 I think a lot of the time when people talk about and you read a lot of books, I read a lot of spiritual books and you tend to get these,, stories of people who have these moments where they break down and all of a sudden the solution comes clear to them and they, everything's, everything's sorted and they know what to do.
7:28 And I think, I think it's, I think it's really dangerous telling people that because it's such a, it's such an unlikely thing to happen to you.
7:35 The reality for me is that I have learned to love myself more and more.
7:40 And if I'm completely honest, there are still points where I look at myself and I'm critical.
7:45 I've, I, and I, I can feel myself being critical and I can catch it and I said, well, hang on a minute.
7:49 No, that's not right.
7:50 And I can come back to the self love.
7:52 But it's, I, I still think it's something you have to constantly be aware of and constantly working at.
7:57 And it's the awareness and that year away helped me massively with the developing the awareness and the connection with me.
8:03 And to me that's more important than, than having the big moment that fixes you or enlightens you.
8:12 I, I couldn't agree more.
8:13 And I think that that's so important that, you know, people, a lot of coaches talk about like that breakthrough moment and sure there's moments where we can release deep inner wounds and we can, we can emote, we can release repressed emotions.
8:27 But usually there's not that right angle that people take, right, like they're, they're on this path and then all of a sudden this moment happens and they're this new person.
8:35 It's this gradual thing.
8:37 And I, I can relate to that in my own life.
8:39 It took two decades to get to the point where I'm at.
8:41 And I'm, I'm still working through issues and, and I love that you said that you'll catch yourself because that awareness is what comes with being conscious and spiritual awakening, right?
8:52 Just because you're aware and awakened doesn't mean that you're not going to face challenges or adversities or moments of self doubt or self criticism, right?
9:02 It just means you have the tools to make a better choice.
9:05 Exactly.
9:05 I mean, for me, I have a son who is three years old and he was a really, really big baby.
9:11 So he was £11 was warm and I was huge and I, my stomach still cos I used to do a lot of yoga.
9:18 I had a very flat stomach and it won't go back to what it was.
9:21 And I still find myself sometimes I look in the mirror and I think, oh my goodness, look at my stomach.
9:25 It's like I still look pregnant.
9:27 And then I can catch myself very quickly.
9:29 And I say, yeah, but I've got a son for that.
9:31 So there's, it's, it's a good trade off and it's really not that big of a deal, but those are the kind of things that you can let overtake you if you don't, if you're not aware that, that you're having that thought that you're criticizing yourself that way, that that is actually a criticism that's gonna harm you in the long run and that isn't needed.
9:47 Yeah.
9:48 Do you, do you think like as you're working with other people that giving them that other perspective really helps release that self criticism where, you know, especially with body issues, you know, that is such a big every woman, I don't know a single woman who hasn't faced body image issues at some point.
10:09 And, you know, unfortunately, it's driven by the society we live in, which is kind of changing.
10:15 But I don't know that it's really going to change our own perspectives of ourselves.
10:19 But do you think that like trading that in that idea in for like, OK, I don't have the stomach I want, but I have a son.
10:27 Is that what is that?
10:28 Does that do it for most people or I apologize is going on outside.
10:38 But one of the things that I do when I work with people is I try and teach them the difference between body positivity and body neutrality because I think that body positivity is something that's been created by the beauty industry to kind of convince us that we have to look in the mirror and think I'm so beautiful and it's a bit like toxic positivity where you have to just say you're happy because actually the reality is you're gonna look at your body and you're gonna see flaws and it's not necessarily about loving those flaws and thinking they're beautiful.
11:10 It's about saying, OK, I have those flaws.
11:12 I accept them.
11:13 But what is it that my body does for me that I do love cos our bodies do so much for us every day and it's accepting those wonderful things that our bodies do.
11:21 You know, my body was able to carry my son, it was able to, to birth an £11 baby, which actually if I think about it is quite an amazing feat and something to be proud of and yeah, my stomach's not perfect because of it.
11:36 Then it's something you can, you can move past and it does.
11:39 I have found working with people when they start to think of it.
11:42 In that way, it changes because they're not trying to force themselves to love something.
11:47 But in an extreme way, I love that response so much because I think you're so right that body positivity can almost be a toxic thing if we're especially if we don't really feel it from our hearts, right?
12:02 You can't force yourself into loving something.
12:05 But I like your approach.
12:06 I like your approach about neutrality like, OK, I can accept that this, this isn't perfect in my mind.
12:14 But look at all these other amazing things that I can be grateful for and, and as we know, gratitude just makes you brings you more things to feel grateful for, right?
12:25 It puts you on that higher wavelength and just being aware that you know, you, you are breathing and moving around today and your heart is pumping because your body is doing all these amazing things.
12:34 So if you don't, if you can't appreciate that and you can't love it, then it's kind of like you, you, you've got a huge disconnect from who you are.
12:41 When you start to love those things, then the there may be the like minor flaws that you have physically.
12:47 So you don't like a magazine cos that's the other thing as well as working with people so that they realize that first of all those magazines are airbrushed and worked on and the, the models in there are starving themselves and doing goodness knows what to be that skinny and, and, but my mom, my mom was a professional model.
13:06 So I know that what she went through to work and I know that it was, it's not an easy thing to be doing.
13:13 It's not an easy thing to be that, that shape.
13:17 It's easy for her now because she doesn't eat, but it wasn't easy for her then.
13:21 , and I think that we kind of look at that and think, oh, we should be like that without accepting how hard they have to work and then what is then done to their pictures after they're taken.
13:32 So, it's kind of like doing both.
13:34 It's sort of distancing yourself from wanting to be like that and also looking at what your body actually does for you.
13:40 Yeah, totally.
13:41 And I, I only cut you off and said maybe because I have been that person that was super, super skinny.
13:48 My whole life cutting wait for the life of me and had people say, oh, she must have an eating disorder, she must starve herself my whole life.
13:56 And I, I ate more than anyone I knew and it was just my genes, my metabolism.
14:01 So I just want to put that out there for listeners that just because someone is a professional model doesn't mean they're starving themselves some cases totally.
14:09 But as far as airbrush and worked on totally and from a spiritual side like I'm just hitting my monitor.
14:18 It's shaking from a spiritual side.
14:20 You know, this is just our avatar, this isn't who we really are.
14:25 This is this is, is just this suit that allows us to live in this 3d world and to experience life, right?
14:33 It's, it's we are so much more than our bodies, our thoughts, our reactions to things, right?
14:39 There's so much more to us than just this physicality.
14:43 Yeah.
14:44 And the body you've given for this world and the is, is the body you've chosen.
14:48 And it's, it's the body that's gonna give you what you need out of it.
14:52 So sometimes these lessons we have to learn about loving our body is the lesson we need to learn in this life and how we can connect with the body that we've got.
15:01 And that, that's maybe the lesson that we've chosen for this life as well.
15:04 Exactly.
15:05 Yes.
15:05 Exactly.
15:06 And you know, we are here to learn specific lessons and to grow in certain ways and we chose our circumstances, right?
15:14 The things we're going to go through what we look like, who our parents are going to be big life circumstances because those are the things that help us best set up, best set us up to learn those lessons.
15:25 So, yes, I totally agree.
15:28 So, so how do you take someone who, you know, isn't feeling any self love at all?
15:34 They've been through trauma, they've, they've just feel so disconnected.
15:39 How do you help someone to love themselves?
15:43 Well, it's a, it's a, they're taking you through different steps.
15:46 So you get there gradually and often what I start with people is working out.
15:51 I actually go, we go, we don't think about self love at first.
15:54 So it's not about, let's start loving ourselves.
15:56 We think about the values that you have and we start on just self discovery.
16:00 So I try and get people to uncover who they really are.
16:03 So what is it that they, that matters to them?
16:05 Because often part of the reason why we get disconnected from loving ourselves is we're living the life that we think we're supposed to and we're not living in alignment with our values.
16:15 So we're actually totally disconnected from ourselves and what we want.
16:19 So I start from there so that we start with self discovery and start to learn actually what it is that you really want.
16:25 And then it's working out from there into the little pulling things apart separately where where is the self love lacking?
16:33 And then start to draw their attention to achieve it.
16:37 Because often when you're lacking self love, you think you've not achieved anything, you think you've not done anything, you think you're useless at stuff.
16:41 So it's, it's going through and, and doing a catalog of the things they have achieved in their lives, the positive impact they've had on people and just starting to, to do little bits and getting them to look at each day and what have I done today that had value?
16:55 And, and gradually it builds up and it builds up over time.
16:59 I like that approach.
17:00 And I imagine that as you do that, you start to build people's confidence too, right?
17:05 When they start to see like, oh look at what I have achieved, then it's like it it starts to transform into, look at what I could achieve, right?
17:13 Do you do you see that happen.
17:15 Yeah, a lot.
17:16 And because it's all about, it's all about the mindset because when you are thinking about all the things you haven't done, you can't do, you obviously then can't achieve anything because that's where your mind is going.
17:25 And the minute you start switching to all these are the things I've done, you start to move towards things that you want to do because you actually start to believe you can do it because you've done other things before and it, it, it makes a huge difference.
17:37 Yeah.
17:38 And again, to bring it back to the spiritual, it's, it's the law of attraction or it's using the quantum field, right?
17:43 If you're focused on your fears, your doubts, your worries, your insecurities, your, you know, judgment, you're just gonna bring more of that into your life, right?
17:51 But if you can flip your perspective and focus on what you want, what your joys are, what you have accomplished, you, you vibrate at that different frequency.
18:02 Exactly.
18:03 And it, and it, people, I think one of the things to always say to people is it's never gonna be, you're never gonna do like one or two exercises and then go from hating yourself to like really deep self love.
18:17 But when people work with me, they enjoy doing, they feel the process happening and then it's, it's, they enjoy continuing it because it's actually something that's really fulfilling and the, the journey,, like I said you've done a lot of yoga.
18:29 I'm, I'm a qualified yoga teacher and it's, it's the journey not the destination.
18:33 So it, it, we stop aiming towards getting to the final pinnacle of perfect self love and enjoying.
18:41 Get in there.
18:43 Yeah.
18:43 And I don't know if anyone really ever has perfect self love.
18:46 Do they?
18:47 Do you think they do?
18:48 I don't think so.
18:49 I've, well, I've not experienced it.
18:50 I mean, maybe, maybe if you were really spiritually enlightened, you were like the Dalai Lama and you were at pure peace with everything then, yeah, maybe he does have pure self love because his, his aura is, is peace and pureness, but most of us aren't that lucky.
19:06 And we, we don't, you know, we weren't born into a kind of spiritual world.
19:10 Maybe if you were born in and that you lived a spiritual life completely, then it, I think it probably is possible.
19:16 But it's, it's a different life to the one that we live.
19:19 Yeah.
19:19 Most of us have a lot of work to do to get there, which makes me think of, you know, I'm just like thinking about this as I'm talking when I say, usually when I usually say like most of us have a lot of work to do, a lot of that is like shadow work or clearing out repressed emotions or rewiring belief systems.
19:38 But the work that you're doing with clients is, is really different because it's all about bringing the positivity in which is also work in itself, which is just kind of a fascinating thing I just kind of realized.
19:49 Yeah.
19:50 Well, there's, you know, because there's two ways of looking at it, you can, like, clear the negative and bring the positive in.
19:56 And it's always like,, if you have those negative beliefs because we do, we will do work I will work with on their limiting beliefs.
20:02 One of the things it's always worth thinking about is if you have a negative belief that you want to get rid of, often people will say, right, I'm gonna drop that belief, but they don't replace it with anything new and then you end up with a vacuum.
20:14 And what happens is that old limiting belief just slips straight back in again.
20:17 So if you ever, you're gonna remove a belief, you have to put something new and positive in its place to be your new belief.
20:24 So you have to find a new belief to embody to be able to rid yourself of the old one genuinely.
20:31 And how, how do people find that new belief?
20:34 Is it just through doing the work?
20:36 Is it, do they come naturally or do they have to actually like, sit and think like, what is the belief that I want to adopt and then really focus on that?
20:44 But it will be thinking.
20:45 So let's suppose you had a limiting belief of thinking that you couldn't achieve a particular goal.
20:53 Then you might actually, like, I'm gonna drop money, I'm gonna, I'm gonna believe that I can achieve it.
20:58 So you're just gonna reverse it.
20:59 Basically, you're gonna work on it and then, and then it's, it's connecting with that.
21:02 So it's visualizing it, it's using affirmations and it's really starting to integrate that new belief into who you are.
21:08 And then, and letting that be the, the thing that you focus on and remembering one of the things that, that we often forget as humans is that we actually have the power to choose our beliefs.
21:19 And that's one of the first things I teach is you've got your values and you've got your beliefs and people often get them muddled up.
21:24 But your values are the core guiding principles that, that guide every decision that you make.
21:30 And they are, they're not really changeable.
21:32 They're just what is inherent to you.
21:35 And your beliefs are things that you have adopted that you accept as facts that aren't really facts and you can choose whatever beliefs you want.
21:44 And so that's it.
21:45 When people can understand that they can choose their beliefs, then it makes it much easier to switch things around.
21:51 Yeah.
21:51 You know, I, I write in my book that one of the antonyms for belief, like if you look belief up in the thesaurus, one of the antonyms for it is truth.
22:00 So the opposite of belief is true, which is like, so hard for people to wrap their minds around at first.
22:06 But if you think about it, like you just said, our beliefs are based on our opinions or the opinions of other people that were imposed upon us and opinions aren't based on facts.
22:15 So you could even go so far as to say your beliefs are lies that you tell yourself and we tend to base our lives around these lies And yes, you can change your mind and change your beliefs.
22:26 I like that you touched on values.
22:28 So what are some examples of, of values just so we can be really clear on the difference?
22:33 So it might be things like love or family or commitment.
22:38 They might be the things that you always, when I work with people always get into list, they, they put their values in order.
22:43 So which things really matter?
22:44 So is it, is it having security or safety or is it having family around you to find out the five, the five main values that will lead you in your life?
22:56 And then because when you making your decisions of what you want to do, you need to be thinking, am I acting in accordance with those values?
23:04 Because am I doing what I want to do or is this what somebody has said I should be doing?
23:09 But it doesn't actually align with my core values.
23:11 So then I'm gonna feel awful doing it and it's kind of listening to this is where you connect to your intuition as well.
23:17 So how does this feel in my body?
23:18 So whenever I'm making a decision about doing something, what's happening in my body because your body is the indicator that will actually tell you instantly.
23:26 If you're acting out of line with your values, you will, you will feel it immediately when you can tune into it, but most people don't listen to that.
23:34 They just think, oh, I'm just worried about it or I'm just not sure, but your body is actually often screaming at you.
23:40 This is wrong.
23:43 And again, when it's right, it will just feel right and it will just flow really easily.
23:48 I think that is such a powerful exercise and I hope that listeners take that away that any time you're trying to make a choice.
23:54 Think does this align with my values and put the belief system aside?
23:59 I think that's just such a gold nugget that you just dropped.
24:02 Do you find that sometimes when you're doing this work with people and having them list out their values and go through their beliefs?
24:09 Do you find that sometimes they don't line up their beliefs and values?
24:12 Yeah.
24:13 And you will get that quite a lot.
24:14 And that's, this is part of the reason when people feel,, and a lot of people at work, but they feel stuck so they feel like they can't move forward and that's because, because their beliefs often come from somebody else.
24:26 Ok.
24:26 So you're dealing from somebody else's values and somebody else's systems and somebody else and often it's not even theirs.
24:31 It's like 567 layers back of beliefs that have been handed down.
24:37 And they, they're not even relevant to you, but you're sticking to them because your brain is saying, well, this is a belief and it's a fact.
24:45 So I'm gonna stick with it.
24:47 And the problem we have is because we're like computers.
24:49 So our, our subconscious is, is processing billions of pieces of information.
24:53 And our conscious is only a tiny amount of that.
24:55 But when we have a belief, what happens is our conscious brain is telling our subconscious, this is my belief.
25:01 So your subconscious will go around and literally pull out for you, the information that backs up your belief and Juliet you might ignore, there might be five pieces of information that back it up and there might be 5000 or 5 million that prove it wrong.
25:16 But you won't pull those bits of information out.
25:19 And that's part of the problem.
25:20 It's where we get our beliefs get ingrained because we, we're designed to ingrain them.
25:25 That's how our, our brains actually work.
25:28 And I think, and I think that that just beautifully also describes what's going on in our society on a more grand scale, right?
25:36 But if you, if you want to, you can go on Google or Go on tiktok or youtube and find a million things that will back up your beliefs from any side, from any angle, whatever,, religious, political, racial, societal, you name it.
25:56 There is something out there that will back up your beliefs.
25:59 So it's, people get so rigid in their beliefs because all these different sides have all these, you know, quote unquote facts and experts and documents to back up their side.
26:09 And it's crazy like people can be living next door to each other and seem to be living in different realities because they, they quite literally have created this own reality for themselves based on their own belief.
26:20 Yeah.
26:21 And when we, when we realize that it is just literally something that we have, we have decided is true.
26:27 When you can actually accept that when you think, well, hang on a minute.
26:30 If I've decided this is true, then I sure I can decide it's not true and, and you can actually see and, and I've, no, I've had it myself before where you can actually completely switch your belief on a dime because your brain just suddenly clicks in and realizes that it wasn't true and it can happen instantly.
26:49 It can, it can be like your opinion, you have a judgment of someone when you meet them and you can, you can be absolutely convinced this is someone you don't like.
26:57 And then after a pretty short amount of time, it just flicks instantly and you actually realize that someone you get on with really well and you don't, virtually nothing has happened.
27:04 It's just what's happened in your brain.
27:07 This is actually literally the topic of my entire book and I love that we're talking about it because, you know, I love talking about the same topics with other people because you're gonna have a different way of saying it.
27:19 Right.
27:19 That's gonna resonate with people in the way that like the way I said it didn't.
27:23 So I think it's really important.
27:25 , and you know, just to go back to your example about the friend people often show up the way that we expect them or perceive them to.
27:36 Right?
27:37 So it, it's like you might think of someone as being cold and aloof and unfriendly.
27:42 So that's the way they're gonna show up towards you because you're probably showing up that way towards them too.
27:48 Right?
27:49 So, and, and people have a million different sides to them.
27:51 You always have a choice of what side of them you see.
27:54 Yeah, I think that what you said about people all the way that you, you see them.
27:58 It's so there's, a story that I often tell is like a proverb that I've heard and it's an old man, he's sitting at the side of the road and another, a truck comes along and it's full of all their belongings.
28:09 And the man says to him, we're thinking of moving to that town down there.
28:12 What are the people like?
28:13 And he says to them, what were the people where you came from?
28:16 Like?
28:16 And he said they were really unfriendly and it was just an awful place to live.
28:19 He went, you'll find them just like that.
28:22 And he sits there for another day or so and another truck comes along and the man says to him, we're thinking of moving to this town.
28:28 What are the people there like?
28:29 And he says, what were the people in your last town like?
28:32 And he says they were lovely.
28:33 They were really friendly.
28:34 They were fantastic.
28:35 You'll find them just like that because that's when you go somewhere, the people that you meet will be how you find people.
28:43 It's not necessarily them, it's what's coming out of you that gave me goose bumps and it, it's so true.
28:50 Your inner world creates your outer world, right?
28:54 When you come at life from a place of love and ease and abundance, that's what you're gonna find in your outer world.
29:03 Yeah.
29:03 But when you, when you go through life thinking like I need to be on the defense and be ready to attack unless I'm attacked, you're gonna have a very different life and, and that's not to like, blame anyone because a lot of times that comes from trauma, but it's just a call out and say like your inner world creates what you see in your external.
29:24 Yeah, exactly.
29:25 And it's, it's your programming and this is one of the things kind of to remember.
29:28 We, we, our brains have been programmed by all the events we have experienced the people we've come in contact with,, a lot from our childhood, but also from generations, like we carry the generational trauma as well.
29:42 But to remember that actually, because it's a program, we can actually go in there and rewrite the program, which I think is exciting because obviously that's quite a new thing to understand the whole neuroscience that we can rewire the brain.
29:53 So we can go in, we can reprogram our brains to be the way the state that we want them to be.
29:59 And that's, it's really exciting to know that we can do that totally.
30:03 And that's why I love all of this work is that we are living at the most exciting time to be alive.
30:09 I, I really believe that because science neuroscience, epigenetics, quantum physics are all backing up what spirituality and mystics and, you know, ancient cultures have been saying for eon, and it's, it's incredible and not only can you rewire your, your brain and nervous system when it comes to your outlook on life, but you can also rewire it when it comes to your pain response.
30:34 And you know, you were talking earlier and I've made a note about it when you said that, you know, when you're going against your values, your body is literally screaming at you.
30:42 But most people don't listen to their bodies.
30:44 And a lot of times when they don't listen to their bodies for a long time that can manifest as pain or disease or muscle tension.
30:51 So, you know, these messages from your bodies, these quote unquote symptoms are just messages from your bodies.
30:56 Yeah.
30:57 And then actually quite a good story about that with obviously doing a lot of yoga.
31:02 One of the things that I discovered, and it happened to me and then I discovered it afterwards is I used to smoke.
31:09 And I just like doing yoga and I learned all the techniques with yoga and I, I just, I literally woke up one day and thought, I just, I just don't want to smoke anymore.
31:18 And I smoked for, I don't know, 15 years and I just stopped and then I read a book a couple two or three years later and it, we talked about how oh, we hold our grief in our lungs and when we smoke, we do it to push the grief down and hold it in.
31:36 So we don't have to re experience it.
31:37 And when we learn to breathe properly, we release the grief and we no longer have the need to smoke.
31:44 And obviously doing a lot of yoga had a huge impact on me and I had breakdowns on the mat and I felt things and I thought, well, this is obviously what happened to me.
31:52 And it's, you don't realize we're holding all that stuff in the body.
31:55 And the response was I was smoking, but I didn't, actually the smoking was a, a actual risk trigger.
32:02 It was triggered by the grief that I was holding in my body that resonates so much with me as someone who, I don't know if I told you this, I own a yoga company, but also was a smoker for a long time and had childhood trauma.
32:16 So that resonates really, really deeply.
32:18 That's, that's really fascinating and it makes sense.
32:22 And the other, like, I've also noticed with yoga,, I've seen people drop drug habits.
32:27 I've seen people drink less because when, when your practice becomes your priority, those things just get in the way.
32:35 Right.
32:36 You're like, oh, if I'm hung over, I feel shitty and that was a shitty practice.
32:39 And I, I couldn't, I wasn't in my body as much as I wanted to be or like, I, I couldn't feel that pose as well as I wanted to.
32:48 And suddenly your priorities start to shift and you don't even realize it.
32:51 And then drinking just becomes this thing.
32:53 That's just like, oh, why would I do that?
32:55 It's, I, I'll just feel awful on the mat tomorrow.
32:57 Exactly.
32:58 And, and it is, I think as well.
33:00 I mean, obviously you have to do so much.
33:02 Yo, it begins the awareness you start to become aware of,, the effect the alcohol has on your body.
33:08 So you actually are really aware of what is happening to your body.
33:11 And,, I used to, I used to, I'm not, I wasn't a heavy drinker but I would go out with my friends and have a, a good drink of a night out.
33:18 And I don't know, I, I don't have the desire to get drunk ever because I, I'm now kind of completely aware of what happens to me, like, physically and everything when you actually have that, when you go too far with something.
33:32 And I think that's always, it's always a thing.
33:34 You start to get more in tune with everything, what you eat, you become aware of what you're eating because you're more in tune with your body in general.
33:40 So you'll start to be aware of how everything affects your body totally.
33:44 And I feel like the more you eat healthy and the more you don't drink and the more you take care of yourself when you do do those things, you feel so bad and you feel it so hard in a way that maybe you wouldn't have before.
33:58 Like I've had, I've, I've, I'll cut out sugar every once in a while and it's crazy because you'll get cravings at first.
34:06 But then I'll feel great.
34:08 I won't want any sugar.
34:09 But then if I have sugar again, it's like, oh my God, this is a drug.
34:12 Like I feel it in my body.
34:14 It's, it's wild.
34:15 Yeah, I know.
34:16 It's, it's quite, it's quite incredible and because you, then you're so in tune with it.
34:20 So you feel it, it's like you can actually feel it, the poison going in.
34:23 It's quite, it's really an amazing experience to have.
34:26 And I think that's part of it and that's part of what took me on my journey is getting that deep connection with myself And yoga was a big part of that taking me there and kind of letting me get that, that deep connection.
34:37 Yeah, yoga is so powerful.
34:39 It's so so powerful.
34:41 I wish everyone would practice yoga.
34:43 And you know, I hear somebody who will be like I'm not flexible.
34:47 I can't do yoga.
34:47 It's like, oh my God, that is a happy side effect.
34:50 Muscle tone and flexibility is a happy side effect.
34:52 It is my my word talking about that.
34:55 One of my, my main teachers when I was first training, he was a, a recovered drug addict and he used to say if you can breathe, you can do yoga.
35:03 Yeah.
35:04 And that was basically just they just come and breathe if you can't do anything else.
35:07 Yeah, you can lay on your mat, you can sit in the back of the room, you can sit on a chair.
35:11 Yeah, totally.
35:14 So one other thing that I pulled out of your bio is you help people with imposter syndrome.
35:20 So, I'd love to chat about that a little bit.
35:22 Just in case listeners don't know.
35:24 Can you just give us a little explanation of what imposter syndrome is?
35:29 It's the, it's the feeling you have when you're often when you're achieving something and you feel like you don't really deserve it and you feel like you're gonna get found out.
35:39 I'll give you an example when I was at university.
35:41 I actually,, I studied maths at university and in my first year, I came top of my year and I used to believe that it was because I was really good at memorizing stuff.
35:53 And that one day all my lecturers were gonna figure out that I actually wasn't really that clever and I was just memorizing stuff and doing it that way.
36:01 So it's the perfect example of imposter syndrome where you, you are achieving, but you don't believe that you should be achieving.
36:08 And it's a lot of that comes from not, not acting authentically.
36:13 So you're not really thinking about who you are and what's going on.
36:15 But fundamentally underneath, it comes from the core belief that you think you're not good enough.
36:21 And, and it's, it's that and it, it basically comes down to challenging that belief that you are good enough.
36:27 Yeah.
36:28 Yeah.
36:29 But I like that example, like when I think about imposter syndrome in my life.
36:33 So I used to work in the tech industry in marketing and then I worked for a yoga company.
36:39 And in both instances I got promoted really, really quickly.
36:43 You know, I was always a hard worker.
36:45 I, I cared a lot.
36:47 I hustled and, you know, the higher ups saw that and they promoted me really quickly.
36:52 But in both instances, like in marketing, I was running a marketing department having only been in marketing for like two years and yoga, I think I was, I was managing a studio and I ended up teaching running teacher training after only being a teacher myself for like a year and a half.
37:09 And in both instances, it was like serious imposter syndrome because I also had that physical evidence, right?
37:16 There were people who had been at those companies for longer than me that knew I was the new girl.
37:21 And then so yeah, and then like, we're like suddenly like having to report to me and what helped me is just like that fake it till you make it kind of thing.
37:31 But, but it's a scary place to be in and I think a lot of people feel it.
37:36 So how do you, how do you help people with imposter syndrome?
37:41 Well, the first thing is to think about, obviously, every case is different cos it's all gonna come from a slightly different place, but we can put it back down to again, we come straight back down to values and authenticity.
37:52 So what is it that's not aligning with us?
37:53 Why are we feeling, why are we feeling out of alignment with ourselves and then it's going through and journaling?
38:00 Ok.
38:00 Well, so why, what have we done?
38:03 What is, what is the positive things that we've done to get to this achievement?
38:06 And, and, and then it's working with them to get feedback from other people.
38:11 So why is it that other people think you've got this this far?
38:16 Because often we think other people are gonna think we're not good enough.
38:20 We think other people are gonna see us as impostor as an impostor because we're projecting what we're thinking onto other people.
38:26 And when we get feedback from others, we realize that actually they're not, they're not thinking that they are actually impressed with what we're doing and they can see the positive things and getting positive feedback can create a loop and from yourself and from others.
38:40 And it's just like I said, working on those beliefs and trying to switch the belief around so that you do those little bits.
38:49 I like that approach.
38:50 And I like that you said, we're projecting onto other people because we do that all the time in every aspect of life, right?
38:59 Like so much of what we think is just our own projection.
39:05 There's so there's this poem I love.
39:07 It's called on the day you read this.
39:08 It's by Lane Thomas.
39:09 But there's these two lines in there that I just always go back to and it says no one's really judging you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know is if you're judging them and it's so true, everyone's just wrapped up in their own shit in their own heads.
39:24 Right.
39:25 But we're just focused on how it affects us.
39:28 Right?
39:29 And, and we're just focused on like what they think of us.
39:34 I had,, funnily enough.
39:36 It's kind of a, something I tell people quite often is what I used to be.
39:40 I used to be very shy.
39:41 , when I was younger and I don't know what it was in my brain that switched, but I suddenly realized that when I was meeting new people, they were just as nervous as I was and that when I did the talking, they actually weren't listening because they're sitting there thinking, what am I going to say?
39:59 I don't want to sound stupid.
39:59 And so they were thinking and they were just so relieved that somebody else was doing the talking and they could then have a breather to think about what they were gonna say that nobody actually listened to what I was saying, but it, they liked me because I was talking.
40:12 And so when you actually realize that and you realize that when you're meeting someone new that they are, they're just thinking about what they are gonna say to you, then you just, it frees you up to just talk because it's there's no stress there.
40:25 Yeah, that's so true.
40:27 And I don't know if you've ever read How To Win Friends and influence people great book, especially if anyone is shy or has social anxiety.
40:34 But one of the biggest takeaways I got from that is ask a lot of questions if you're in a social situation because people love talking about themselves.
40:44 It's an easy thing for them to talk about.
40:46 Whereas like what you're saying, they're probably thinking about like, what can I add to this conversation?
40:51 Like, how do I sound smart?
40:53 How do, but if you ask people about themselves, it's so easy for them and they're gonna, they're just gonna love you because they'll think that you're interested in them.
41:00 So, it's such a great little hack and it's, it's one that I've totally just adopted and has made social situations so much easier.
41:08 Yeah.
41:08 And it, and it doesn't, and often it's just, it's, it's having the courage to just do that straight up and then not worrying about it and then everybody feels more at ease.
41:18 Yeah.
41:18 And I think not worrying about it is a good key because it's, it's also about, like, not worrying about other people's opinions.
41:26 Right.
41:26 So, and, and, you know, a lot of what we've kind of touched on today is worrying about other people's opinions.
41:32 So, how do you help people or what advice do you have for people that are so focused on what others are thinking that comes down to the your authenticity because actually when you're being authentic, people will like you for who you are.
41:47 But often what we're doing is we cover, we cover ourselves up with all these layers of nonsense.
41:53 So that what we're, what we're projecting is what we think people want to see.
41:57 And actually, that allows us to not build any really deep connections with people.
42:00 So actually all you're doing is connecting with somebody on a superficial level.
42:05 And that's when you get judged because you're not connecting with people properly.
42:08 So they are judging you because you're not connecting.
42:10 Whereas when you, you shed those layers, you start being who you really are.
42:14 You act and you, you're vulnerable and you show people, I have weaknesses, people connect to that much more deeply and you actually get judged a lot less because people feel they feel more in tune with you because you're being who you really are.
42:28 Yeah.
42:28 It's like they can sniff that out.
42:29 And the cool thing too is when you're authentic, you give them permission to be authentic.
42:34 Exactly.
42:35 Right.
42:35 So that just helps them rise up and, and when you were talking, it made me think about people pleasing too.
42:43 because I think people pleasing is also kind of like a trauma response or a way of feeling less insecure, dealing with insecurity.
42:54 Do you find do you find anything like that?
42:57 Yeah.
42:57 And it's teaching people to be able to say no in situations because, and, and part of the way you get in there with that belief is people do things for others because they want to help them and they want to please them.
43:11 And actually if you can get people to realize that if they're exhausted and they're depleted, they're not gonna be able to help those people properly.
43:19 And if they start to say no occasionally and take care of themselves, they've got more to give to the people.
43:25 So it's actually an act of service to other people.
43:28 So you almost have to go in there through the back door.
43:31 , because you can't necessarily make them just think you need to take care of yourself because there's a block there.
43:38 So if you, so if you're taking care of yourself, it's going to help other people more, then there's AAA reason to do it.
43:47 Yeah.
43:47 You almost have to, like, trick their psychology and I, and you're just touching on another thing that I see from a lot of people is they spend so much time taking care of other people, especially with,, parents.
43:59 I see this a lot.
44:00 They spend so much time taking care of others that there's no time for themselves and they're just depleted and there's because there's no self care there.
44:09 Yeah.
44:09 And with parents as well, this is a really important one.
44:12 My mom taught me this when my son was really little.
44:14 She said, if you're not taking care of yourself, you're teaching your child that you don't matter.
44:21 And then you're teaching them that actually they don't really matter because they're gonna copy everything that you do.
44:27 So I took from a very young age, I meditate every day and my son knows I meditate every day.
44:34 And even at three, he accepts that that even if he's around, I'm gonna say to him, I'm just gonna sit down here and meditate for 10 minutes and I do it and it's part of what I do because he knows I need to do that.
44:47 And I've, I've explained it to him and kids actually accept a lot more than we realize.
44:52 So when we and, and other people do as well, when you say to people, I need to do XY and Z for me, because it's really important to be able to keep my mind straight.
45:01 It's very, it's very unusual for someone that cares about you and, and loves you to say, oh, you think you're really out of order and to, and to take against it and most of them, most people will respect that and say, yeah, that's great.
45:13 How can I help you to achieve that?
45:14 Because they want you to feel good totally.
45:17 And I think also, again, it inspires them to do the things that are good for them, right?
45:24 That's the whole thing.
45:25 It's like to heal your outer world.
45:27 You have to heal your inner world.
45:28 And as you, as you rise and level up, you become this beacon, this light for others and then you affect your friends, your family, your community, and it's this beautiful ripple effect and you can give them that helping hand up.
45:41 But so many people are out there trying to fight for change or force people to change.
45:46 And the way that you help gently help the people in your life to change is by changing yourself.
45:51 And, and they'll say, oh wow, you know, Mercedes looks really calm.
45:56 She looks really good like what, what's Mercedes doing that?
45:59 I can get it.
46:00 You know, I can try.
46:01 So I found that's the best way to influence people too.
46:06 And it does, it does have a massive effect on people and even even subconsciously and the way that they, they respond to things because they, you, we affect people's states when we're around them.
46:18 So if you're going into things with a certain state, then you will affect other people and then they'll take that state with them for a while as well.
46:26 That's really important.
46:28 I, that's something Tony Robbins talks about a lot is like your state matters so much.
46:33 And I remember so I've, I've had a, a little bit of a tumultuous relationship with my mother at points in my life.
46:42 And I remember Tony Robbins saying, if you have to like get on a phone call with someone that you're not looking forward to talking to or who has that friction with you.
46:54 Like, spend a few minutes, like laughing and jump up and down and get yourself in this, like, really great state like this physical state and it's going to affect how you interact with them and it's gonna affect your relationship and it completely works.
47:08 Well.
47:08 I think, I,, I don't know if you've read anything by Dawson Church and he actually talks about how a negative state can affect people, but actually a positive state has more impact than a negative.
47:18 So if you're going into something positive, even if the person coming in is negative, then chances are you're gonna, your positivity is gonna win out because the positive is actually stronger.
47:28 I love that.
47:29 One of my, one of my little things I like to do is if I get like kind of snippy comments in my, in my posts online is to just kill the person with kindness and just come from an understanding, loving place and nine times out of 10, they're gonna apologize and be like, oh, I'm sorry, I came off that way.
47:48 I'm just having a bad day.
47:49 I actually like, appreciate everything you say.
47:52 And it's, it's just wild how quickly you can change someone just by being kind and compassionate and empathetic to their situation.
48:00 Yeah.
48:00 And I think there was a study done about Facebook feeds and they took a certain group of people and they just fed them positive statements through their Facebook feeds and they registered their state of mind and it, it increased significantly.
48:14 But the interesting thing was that the friend, their friends and their friends of friends also had an increase in happiness because the things that they were sharing on Facebook were more positive and more happy.
48:26 So there was more stuff going into their friends' feeds and it actually filtered out, which is, it is incredible.
48:31 So when you think about what you're posting online, everybody think about putting something positive because you'll actually impact somebody's life.
48:38 That's such a beautiful study.
48:40 And I completely, completely believe that that is very true.
48:44 And I'm sure the opposite is true too.
48:46 You know, there's like so much going on globally and there's a lot that pe there's a lot of fear out there, there's a lot of anger and a lot of what people are posting are, you know, taking sides on this war that's going on or, you know, other social issues.
49:02 And I'm sure that that affects people's mentality too that see that show up on their feed.
49:08 I, and it's even little things like, I follow formula one and there's so much, animosity in that between fans of different drivers and I won't read occasionally.
49:22 I read the comments.
49:23 I have to like, take myself straight out of it because I'm like, there's just so much anger going on in these comments.
49:28 That I can feel, I actually feel it starts to affect my state of mind.
49:31 And like I've got, I've just got so I I will deliberately not read comments like that because it's, it's just like this need to kind of bring the other side down so desperately and you don't really want to feed your brain that so if you're feeling negative, just stay away from that kind of thing, don't feed your brain with it because it will affect how you feel, feel, feed your brain with the positive stuff totally.
49:52 And we see that a lot, at least in the US with elections that same kind of thing.
49:57 It's just bashing the other side.
49:59 And you know, I think that's why people say social media is so toxic, but it can be also incredible and enlightening and, and you can learn a lot.
50:09 It just depends like you get to just like you get to decide your own beliefs and filter your thoughts.
50:15 You get to filter your feed, you get to decide who you follow.
50:18 You get to decide what you look at.
50:21 You can choose to not engage with those things because what you engage with is gonna create your reality.
50:28 So you know, and, and it's not about denying that there's issues going on in the world, but you don't have to get emotionally pulled into anything because you're gonna create that on your timeline.
50:42 If we're gonna go into like the whole quantum jumping thing, right?
50:45 Like you, you create the timeline that you're on, you create your reality.
50:51 Yeah.
50:51 And you know anything that anything on social media that comes up that triggers you, that you're not happy, any, any accounts that trigger you unfollow them.
51:00 Because actually in some ways the Facebook algorithm is a bit like our brain.
51:07 What you, what you, what you see, what you engage with, it's, it gives you more of.
51:11 So it's actually a bit like the law of attraction, the more you look at it, the more you'll get.
51:16 So if you actually disengage from those things, you're, you're gonna tell the algorithm on Facebook and in your own brain, this is what I want.
51:23 So you're going to start putting in what you actually want.
51:26 Yeah, I say that exact same thing in my book.
51:28 I love it.
51:29 You and I are so aligned.
51:30 I feel like we could talk for literally hours and I forgot we're even on a podcast.
51:36 I just feel like I'm talking to a friend about just things that I would talk to a friend about.
51:42 But I do want to ask you if, if there is one exercise or one piece of advice that you can leave our listeners with today to cultivate more self love in their life.
51:52 What would it be?
51:55 The biggest thing I I say to you is one, take the pressure off because we, we're desperately trying to find self love and that can be really, really hard because you're trying to force it.
52:05 But also just to remember that the self love and your development journey is not about changing who you are.
52:10 It's about coming to the point where you accept who you are and just to work on that and just to accept who you are and take the pressure off yourself for being anything else.
52:20 I like that a lot because first of all, it becomes this moving target, right?
52:24 If we're so focused on the outcome and, and second of all, II, I love that.
52:29 You said it's not about changing, it's about accepting because we see so much motivation out there about, you know, just to go back to the body image thing about losing weight or eating healthy.
52:38 And there's always this, this outcome, this goal of, you know, getting closer to perfection, whatever that means to the individual, but self love is more about accepting, right?
52:50 What was that?
52:51 We are perfect as we are.
52:53 Yeah, we really perfect.
52:55 Yeah.
52:56 Yeah, we really are.
52:58 And, and that goes for everything about us.
53:00 It's about shedding all this junk that has been placed on top of us, right?
53:05 But we're born perfect.
53:07 Yeah, exactly.
53:08 I would say like, you know, have you ever like held a newborn baby and just like understood how like worthy and innocent and just full of wonder they are like you would never look at a newborn baby and think they're not worthy.
53:24 But, but so often we think about ourselves and think we're not worthy.
53:27 But you are the same as that baby.
53:29 You were that baby.
53:31 Yeah.
53:32 And, and it's just, it is.
53:34 And also we've all got other people in our lives and remember that we wouldn't want anybody that we love to feel they weren't worthy.
53:41 And to think that if we don't, if we think that about all the other people that we love, then why would we think it about ourselves?
53:48 Yeah.
53:50 Yeah.
53:51 Yeah, exactly.
53:53 I, I thank you so much for leaving that.
53:54 So how can people find you if they want to work with you?
53:59 What are you up to?
54:00 What's your socials?
54:01 Give us all the, all the details.
54:04 OK.
54:04 So I'm on Facebook.
54:05 You can just search for Mercedes brand.
54:07 Fortunately, I am the only Mercedes as brand on Facebook, believe it or not in the 3 billion people.
54:13 So, yeah.
54:14 I'm easy to find and my website, is it a community.com?
54:20 And there's details of the programs that I run and particularly there's the self love circle which is $7 a month and it has monthly coaching and there's a course on there.
54:30 So there's lots of videos and worksheets and an exclusive Facebook group as well where you can join and get support from the community and directly from me in there as well.
54:40 Wow, that's a lot of value for $7 a month.
54:44 So I'm gonna put those links in the show notes for everyone listening.
54:47 If you're driving, don't worry about trying to write it down.
54:49 Stay safe and Mercedes.
54:52 Thank you so much for coming on.
54:53 I really enjoyed our conversation.
54:55 Like I said, we were just on the same wavelength.
54:57 I feel like we could have talked forever and I really enjoyed having you on the show.
55:02 Yeah, for everyone listening, please like share, subscribe, check out my links in the show notes as well.
55:10 I have a free live workshop every week or two.
55:12 I run on Thursdays.
55:14 My book is called Change Your Mind to Change Your reality.
55:17 And I hope you all have a beautiful rest of your day.
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